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Monday, February 4, 2008

You'll gain more than you lose.

What a week I've had. A touch of the blues threw me for a loop. Bad weather and a busy baby led to cabin fever and I began to recount my days (and nights) out on the town in a much warmer climate. I was mourning my non-Mommy lifestyle. I've had a lot of good times club hopping, eating Taco Cabana at 4am and hosting impromptu cookouts. Romantic Valentine's Day getaways, Mardi Gras road trips and last minute plans seemed like ancient history. Sadly, I wondered if I'd lost more as a singleton than I'd gained as a parent. This was just the tip of the iceberg and the What If? game I played with myself got pretty ugly. I questioned my fate, but in the end faith won in this mental tug-a-war.
When I returned home from a few hours at school tonight my son's face lit up. As soon as I crossed the threshold he was there waiting. He kissed me and clapped his fat little hands. His love for me was undeniable; I felt needed and incredibly fulfilled. For the first time all week, all that mattered was he and I in the here and now. Babies are special that way. They live fully in the present moment; they don't worry about the past or the future. Babies only want to be satisfied and happy in this immediate moment. That is why they cry with an increasing sense of urgency. Now, now, now! But, this is also why they express such enormous joy in their smiles. Little ones laugh and fill the room; their giggles are contagious precisely because they have no pretense.
I learned a lesson from my boy tonight. I'm making an effort to truly live in the now. It is so important to appreciate, and moreover, enjoy today. There's a time and a place to plan for the future too, but right now I'm laying the groundwork. That takes focus. As dear to me as it might be, the past is over. It's O.K. to look back and remember the good old days, but I can't forget to create great new ones. Ten years from now these will be the memory lanes I stroll down.
I'm only beginning my new life as a Mom. It's easy to see how my daily activities and responsibilities have changed. Sometimes it's difficult to tally the +'s and -'s and come up even. But, when the routine gets a little disheartening my "always right on time baby" finds a way to remind me of all I've gained. Witnessing his achievements - crawling, taking those first steps, saying mama and dada, even discovering how to blow spit bubbles and stick his toe in his mouth - rival many of my own most exciting moments. Parental pride is quite a rush! It's still early in the game, and I imagine the years to come will bring many more. So far I've gained a lot; a new incomparable love, a deeper sense of purpose, career clarity, increased self confidence, a renewed appreciation for Sesame Street and bigger boobs! Ultimately, my life is fuller and my heart is bigger now that I'm a Mommy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

keep writing girlie. your blog is brilliant and very useful even for us single gals who are peeking over the wall and wondering what motherhood is really like. hat's off to you. See you in MIA.