How Do I Discipline to teach DISCIPLINE?

As parent to an increasingly willful toddler and five year old who's testing boundaries, my arsenal of behavior management techniques is dwindling quickly. The thing is, I don't really enjoy being the disciplinarian, but I'll be damned if my children grow up as wildlings. It seems that nowadays I spend a nice chunk of our quality time barking warnings, counting down and reminding my kids of my expectations. Frankly it's exhausting and unlike many folks my patience seems to be waning, not growing, with age. 

My son spent 4 years as an only child. Compared to some other mischievous boys his age Nigel is well behaved. He's a good listener and really sweet kid who doesn't rock the boat much. Since he turned one I've drilled in our "3 Rules": Be a Good Listener, Be Respectful and Be Safe. All of the infractions that disappoint and anger me fall somewhere under the umbrella of the "3 Rules". He knows the rules inside out and grasps the concept pretty well for a little guy. Spankings are few and far between. Timeouts in the naughty chair are the bread and butter of my behavior management strategy with him. Couple that with a stern 3 or 5 count and he used to be scared straight. I've got a mean Mommy face! But, lately I've been noticing some defiance and I don't like it. It's so funny that until you become a parent you think "controlling" a child is easy. Ha! You cannot make a kid do anything. The more you try the more angry you get and antagonistic they become. They will make you spaz out and guess who's angry, exhausted and teary afterward? The parents - not the kids! What does work is assessing your personality and that of your child. Lay out your expectations and tell your kid why right is right and wrong is wrong. They are smarter than we give them credit for. Speak to them at their language level and they'll get it. Parents sometimes skip the explanation of expectations. I make a point to always give a why to my what. Still I wonder if he focuses more on the reward or punishment in place, instead of the lesson I need him to learn. I discipline to establish my son's self-discipline. That's my end game. I want him to recognize what is appropriate behavior for himself when I'm not around to check him. With any amount of luck this habit of self regulation will start now and follow him into adulthood.

I'm maturing beyond the naughty chair. I swear by it's effectiveness, but Nigel needs something more now. (I pray that baby girl adheres to the timeout rules, so far keeping her in any one spot for longer than a minute is a trial.) We use our responsibility chart religiously. I switch out the tasks and chores every other week to keep it fresh. Nigel, like most kids, thrives on positive feedback over negative consequences. Good behavior is expected so we don't reward it with "stuff" daily, but he can earn weekly treats. We're trying to stay away from buying toys because he has too many and has gotten a little spoiled in that department. Instead allowing him to pick our dinner or dessert, a surprise visit to an event or exhibit, even a simple DVD rental works well for him. I'm relying more on an "if,then" approach and natural consequences punishments. For example "Yes, you may play with the Kindle Fire (substitute for any electronic device). But, IF you don't properly care for it THEN I will take it away for two days." "Yes, you may eat lunch on the back porch today, but IF you make excessive spills THEN you must clean it up yourself and come back to the kitchen table." "Yes, your friend may come over to play in the yard, but IF you guys can't share nicely THEN you have to come inside." There are still mini meltdowns and crying spells, but I've noticed I'm less frazzled and frustrated because we both know the consequences. After a few moments we're moving forward with our day. 

It recently occurred to me that my goal is not to have my children function as little well mannered robots. I hope that my rules and regulations, system of punishments and rewards, will help them learn self-discipline. Part of being a kid is getting dirty, being loud and making mistakes. Part of being a parent is knowing what to let slide and when to tighten up. 

The Great Debate: Should We Vaccinate?

For the past few years parents and the medical community have begun to question traditional vaccination practices. Concern stems from a growing public belief that vaccines contain harmful elements that may lead to developmental delays in infants and toddlers. Celebrity Moms have shared their fears about the link between mercury and Autism. Actress Jenny McCarthy and Holly Robinson-Peete are the public faces of the vaccine-autism campaign, and have argued that their son's autism was triggered by immunizations.  


I applaud parents who take it upon themselves to get all the details and make informed decisions about their children's health. Some fellow Moms and I recently exchanged ideas on the subject. I admit to being sort of a lemming when it comes to medical norms. I've always simply followed Dr.'s order. With my second born Nikke, I was a little more pro-vaccination because I knew she'd be around her older brother a lot. Since he's in school all week he's more exposed to germy kids, and hence she'd be exposed by him.


Most physicians, backed by high brow research and the CDC, maintain that there is no connection between immunizations and autism. They insist that maintaining the typical vaccination schedule ensures the health of all children. So why does the debate live on? For a portion of parents, the notion of their little ones receiving potent and frequent exposure to serious illnesses just doesn't make sense.  Science journalist Seth Mnookin, shared his perspective with Forbes magazine at the International Conference on Emerging Infectious Diseases, attended by more than 1,600 participants from 58 countries,“The debate isn’t really about vaccines and vaccine safety at all, but about a series of other issues,” said Mnookin, who teaches science writing at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and is the author of The Panic Virus: The True Story Behind the Vaccine-Autism Controversy. “When we talk about vaccine safety and effectiveness, most of the time we’re talking about anxieties parents have about caring for their children. We haven’t found ways to adequately address some of these issues.” 

Adding to parental trepidation is ABC's recent report of an investigation by the Department of Health and Human Services' Office of the Inspector General which found that many providers of immunizations meant for low-income children don't store the vaccines at proper temperatures, potentially rendering them ineffective and placing children at risk for contracting serious diseases. According to ABC News, "Inspectors visited the offices of 45 providers in five states who offered free immunizations as part of the government's Vaccines for Children (VFC) Program. Nationwide, about 44,000 offices and clinics participate in the program. The Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services pay for the vaccines, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention distribute them. The investigation found that 76 percent of the providers stored the vaccines at temperatures that were either too hot or too cold. They also found that 13 providers stored expired vaccines along with nonexpired vaccines. In addition, they said they found that none of the providers properly managed the vaccines according to VFC program requirements." 

Parental paranoia peaks in those first few days after childbirth. There is lots to fear, both real and imagined, when you're a new parent to a tiny, vulnerable baby. It's only natural for fresh Moms and Dads, especially first timers, to obsess over their child's health and well being. Even after your pediatrician assuages your fears it's easy to be shaken by a debate that has not slowed down in the media. If you have questions about the safety of vaccinations go straight to the source. Once you've found a pediatrician that you can trust set up an appointment to discuss your concerns. If possible schedule a sit down that is separate from your baby's wellness dates. In fact, while interviewing pediatric physicians you should discuss the topic; comparing differing philosophies can help you find a doctor who's beliefs are aligned with yours. For more information on immunizing your child, and to review current, past and alternative vaccine schedules visit http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/schedules/

Happy Mother's Day 2012!!!!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the women who take the time to give their families all they need to thrive everyday! On our special day, Moms, Grandmothers and Moms-to-be, deserve to know how much we mean to those we love. Take the time to tell the special Moms or Mother figures in your life that they are loved! Have an awesome day and enjoy this touching tribute to Moms from Hallmark <3

TIME asks "Are You Mom Enough?" New twist on an old post.

Today Time Magazine released the cover photo for an upcoming story about Dr. Bill Sears and the extreme side of attachment parenting. They pose the question, "Are You Mom Enough?", right next to a Mom posing breast partially exposed, while she nurses a boy 3 years old. All this just a few days before Mother's Day. Of course the photo went viral and has quite a few folks all in a tizzy. Does anyone see the irony in controversy swimming around a cover that is supposed to be controversial? I don't get it. I hope that half as many of the people talking about this online will actually pick up the article and read it, myself included. I trust TIME to deliver a journalistic piece that is just as provoking as the photograph. We'll see Friday May 11, 2012 when the issue is released. In the meantime read a post I wrote April 19, 2012...

... Before bed, when I'm in the shower allowing my thought to drifts I review my day. If I've poorly handled an interaction with one of my kids I mull it over regretfully. Parenting has scores of challenges; it's only fair to assume that we won't attend to every exchange suitably. We don't always have the perfect response to inquisitive questions. We don't always lend an ear or a shoulder at the right moment.  Maybe we gave a lecture when a hug was what they really needed. Our hope is that if we manage to get it right more times than not than our children will feel loved, become wise, kind and functional.

While studying infant and caregiver attachment as a counselor I was introduced to the theory of "good enough parenting". The assumption is that if the mother, or primary caregiver, responds to the baby's needs successfully 7 out of 10 times that is adequate in forging a healthy bond. The child will, as a newborn, learn that they are safe. Sometimes, on a bad day, I remember this. It's given me comfort to know that a couple of Mommy blunders are to be expected; they won't do much harm. I don't rest on it, but I've kept it in the back of my head like a "get out of guilt free" card. Today I realized 7 out of 10 really isn't that great. Do the math - 70 percent. It's passing, but surely not acceptable by a Valedictorian's standards. Satisfactory, not great. Responding positively, with empathy, just 7 out 10 times to the needs of your child is like being a good Mom or Dad 5 out of 7 days a week. I find it hard to believe my little ones would thrive if on Sunday and Wednesday Mommy just checked out. Hump Day is hard, but really? Would your employer keep paying you if a little more than two/thirds of the the time you didn't perform to the best of your ability?

I've heard that parenting is a job that only gets more complicated as your child grows. We want our toddlers to learn respect and responsibility early on so they develop good habits that continue into adolescence and adulthood. As parents we must hold ourselves accountable in pursuing the same excellence we expect from our children. Take the time to think before speaking to your child; don't react without considering the consequences. Don't dial it in. When you make mistakes say you're sorry. We're not perfect, but our kids don't know that. Find teachable moments for them and yourself. Be better than good enough.

Is Kelley Owens the best (Mom) rapper alive? Look at Her Now!

I had to reblog this awesome video of Kelley Owens, Wife and Mom of two boys. I found the clip courtesy of Mykal Seaton and my friends at BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. I had to share it with all of you because I can totally relate. I love hip hop and love this playful maternal take on Chris Brown's hit song "Look At Me Now" Enjoy!

See the full article from BMWK at http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2012/05/look-at-her-now-quite-possibly-the-greatest-mom-rapper-of-all-time/comment-page-1/#comment-52839

Beyond Where the Wild Things Are: Remembering the work of Maurice Sendak

May 8, 2012 Maurice Bernard Sendak, American writer and illustrator of children's literature passed away.  Sendak is most widely know for the critically acclaimed kids lit classic Where the Wild Things Are. 

Many of us, followed by our children, have fallen in love with the tale of naughty Max and the fanged giant monsters from a far off land. It's a story that never gets old and became a full length feature film in 2009. But Sendak's legacy also includes textbook illustrations as far back as the 1950s,  early membership on the National Board of Advisors of the Children's Television Workshop during the development stages of Seasame Street, as well as designing sets for many operas and ballets. Sendak has been at the center of controversy here and there. His illustrations have included earthy nude drawings of child protagonists and his story-lines have been called "odd, demanding, yet appealing". We enjoy his books in our home, so I suggest you explore the variety of his literature on your own. In honor of his mile long list of works I've compiled a short sample of Sendak's creations that are less popular, but equally as gratifying as the Caldecott Medal winning Where the Wild Things Are. 

1. Nigel and I love In the Night Kitchen, originally issued in 1970. It's a delightful book about a boy's late night bread baking kitchen romp. 

2. Outside, Over There (1981) is the story of a girl, Ida, and her jealousy of her little sister. Ida is resistant of increased responsibility, but eventually comes around and saves the baby from goblins. 

3. The 1956 Kenny's Window Sendak is comprised of 7 stories, each initiated by a "question" dreamed by Kenny. Readers are introduced to the deep imagination and beautiful, strange logic of a young boy, alone in his room at play. 

4. Sendak's "Nutshell Library" (1971) consists of 4 hand-sized concept books:
Alligators All Around -- an A B C book featuring an alligator family bursting balloons, catching colds, doing dishes, entertaining elephants, etc. 

One Was Johnny -- a Counting book featuring Johnny who lived by himself. The story builds one character and event at a time, such as the house that Jack built. By the time there are nine villains "10 is a puzzle, what should Johnny do?

Chicken Soup With Rice -- a Calendar book featuring chicken soup with rice served up whimsically throughout each month of the year. 

Pierre -- a Cautionary Tale -- featuring apathetic Pierre who can't be made to care. Careless Pierre eventually becomes lion fare until retrieved by the doctor. 

5. Bumble-Ardy (2011) is about a mischievous pig who reaches the age of nine without ever having a birthday party. But all that changes when Bumble-Ardy is orphaned and he throws a party for himself and invites all his friends, leading to a wild masquerade that quickly gets out of hand.

6. Very Far Away (1957) is the second book written and illustrated by Sendak. Imagine Where The Wild Things Are with animals instead of monsters. The two book project delivers a traditional ending, as well as more complex statements about happiness and delusion.

7. The Sign on Rosie's Door (1960) is a charming book about Rosie, a creative little girl who transforms herself in a motley crew of characters.

8. We Are All in the Dumps with Jack and Guy (1993), a unique story in nursery rhyme format, follows two guys on a quest to save a kid and a bunch of kittens. Evil rats and the moon are additional characters in this twisted tall tale.

9.  1976's Some Swell Pup or Are You Sure You Want a Dog?  is a book for everyone who has ever trained a dog, or plans to take on the project. It is instructive and fun for all potential puppy owners.

10. Before taking up writing Sendak was best known for illustrating Else Holmelund Minarik's Little Bear series of books. Check them out with your little ones for a fun story time treat.

***Photo Courtesy of Us Magazine

Being a Mom can be tough across the globe, but it's worth it! Thank you P&G for this tearjerker commercial.

I've said many times that being a Mom is the hardest, yet most rewarding job on the planet. This P&G commercial about Olympic hopefuls and their Mothers is a sweet testament to the care and sacrifice of parenting. I had to share it as a reminder that though some days may be tough, it's worth it. Champion children have had Moms and Dads that cultivated their greatness - it's universal law. To my readers across the globe have a great day and be encouraged!