Success for Suckers

Since just a few days after her birth my 4 month old and I have relied on a pacifier to give us both a little rest throughout the day. In the beginning I tried to deny her, holding on to some notion that pacis were no good. I figured ridding her of the habit would be very difficult and prolonged use might even lead to dental problems. I pictured my baby as a three year old with bucked teeth and a pacifier clip on her preschool uniform. My son never took one, but 4 years later Morenikke continues to prove that she is a totally different baby. Deeper still though I think I was holding on to the idea that babies who used pacifiers somehow reflected poorly on their Moms; parents who took the easy way out instead of the time to satisfy their kid's needs. What I have since learned is that parenting is hard enough, we deserve an easy answer sometime!

It quickly became clear that Ms. Lady just had to have her binky! We collected a bunch and determined which were her favorites (usually not the cute, blinged out ones). Then at about 5 weeks old she figured out how to pull that teeny tiny thumb to her lips! As weeks passed the pacifier was out and the thumb was in! I was outdone, and immediately added orthodontic visits to our budget about 12 years down the road. Though it was cute, all I could think was ... This Is Not Good. I thought she might tire of it, but she only got more innovative. It seems she can't decide which tastes better - a slobbery thumb or two to three succulent fingers! She's even learned how to grasp her favorite blanket or bunny lovie in her palm while suckling her little digits. You know she means business when she curls her index finger tightly around her nose ... no going back now.

For the past several weeks we've been trying to establish a sleep schedule and honestly it's been going pretty well. Recently as I stood over her crib in the wee hours of the morning, I was struck by a new idea. Maybe her thumb-sucking isn't so bad after all. I can put her down drowsy and after a couple of minutes of squirming and grunting she grabs her blankie, pops that thumb in her mouth and drifts off to sleep. Two words. Self-Soothe. We're familiar with the concept, but it requires you give your kid time for figure out what's wrong and comfort herself. If you're like me you might be a little anxious to jump and fix things. I've realized Nikke's thumb-sucking demonstrates that she can cope. Her little neurons are firing away, teaching her that she can overcome minor discomfort or annoyances on her own - without a major meltdown (well, not every time at least) I may be taking this a little far, but isn't that a pretty big life lesson? She doesn't always have to wait for someone else to make things OK. Now I look at her sucking her thumb (or fingers) and think, "Wow, I've got a pretty capable girl on my hands here."

Double Duty

I have recently made the transition from grad student and working Mom of a 4 year old son, to STAH mother of two. Caring full-time for two is a COMPLETELY different ball game. When people tell you that having two kids is easier than one, please believe this - they are lying! Up until I brought my baby girl home, I thought I had this mothering thing licked! I considered myself kind of a "natural" at being an educated, engaged, and loving nurturer. I'm still all of those things - just short on sleep, patience and "me" time. My daughter is super cute and sweet and absolutely lovable! She is also demanding, a bit colicky and seems to enjoy seeing what's going on in the world every morning around 4:45am. It's been true of my experience that your second child will have a totally different personality than your first. My Nigel was a calm, quiet baby; my Nikke, well let's just say she's "expressive." She's a little feisty, and wants to be held, fed or entertained constantly. When I give into her desires to just cuddle and stare at each other all day we grow more & more attached, but other duties get shirked. When I am able to get some items checked off the daily to-do list silence is elusive. Someone is always hungry, crying, shouting or pooping! Even I talk too much, I say "pretty, pretty girl" and "be careful!" more than I'd like to admit. I feel like I'm always wiping something... bottoms, noses, counters, eyes, etc, etc. I don't want to seem grumpy, but I have been taken off guard by how hard it is!

I remember having notions that being home with your kids was the carefree, good life. I'm learning it's great, but far from June Cleaver domestic glam. While is it rewarding to be my children's primary caregiver, it is far from easy. There aren't enough hours in the day for all that needs to be done! Cleaning, laundry, gardening, bill paying, entrepreneurship etc. Don't even talk about pediatrician appointments, grocery shopping, summer camp and other errands that require us to leave the house. It takes two hours to get ready and into the car! Being the COO of your home means you're always on call - without overtime pay. Even though my husband and circle are supportive it's hard to believe they really understand what my days are like.

Though multi-tasking can't be avoided, I've allowed myself to take it one task, one child at a time when I can. The realization that once again I've entered uncharted territory has finally sunk in. I am spending this precious time getting to know Nikke and her quirks. She is a distinct baby, her own person, and I am discovering life with an infant all over again. What has been most stressful is having to prioritize which child gets my attention first. Of course, my big boy has been forced into a little more independence. (The Melissa & Doug magnetic responsibility chart has been a lifesaver!) Luckily because he's four, it's developmentally appropriate and not too distressing for him. But, because Mommy is "always busy with baby sister" he's gravitating more to Dad, who he likes "the 100% best". They have "man secrets" and honestly it hurts my feelings a little. I find myself obsessing about whether I'm being fair. I worry he won't "like" me anymore, or worse, resent his sister. I worry that she'll resent me because she doesn't get the uninterrupted attention he's been the recipient of for 4 years. That's a lot of worrying! Of course, it's probably for naught. Nigel adores Nikke, and she thinks he's hilarious! Both likely think Mommy is a little kooky.

Friends and family ask when/if we'll have another child. At this point my hands, home and heart are full! I am overjoyed with the brood we have, we're blessed to have one of each - a handsome son and beautiful baby girl. I can't say for sure that baby fever won't infect us in a year or two when Nikke is a toddler. By then we'll have forgotten about the sleepless nights and scores of dirty diapers. For now I'm happy to get used to my new role and concentrate on raising my dynamic duo.

Great opportunities for Parents/Writers

Your Brain On Kids: NPR Invites You To Share Your Story

http://www.npr.org/2011/07/06/137377626/your-brain-on-kids-share-your-story?sc=fb&cc=fp

On Bedtime, The Ferber Method and "Go The F*@! To Sleep" by Adam Mansbach

This week the Internet and media was all abuzz with reactions to Adam Mansbach's adult language laden children's book "Go The F*@! To Sleep". I am actually writing this post on the fringes of my own sleepy time, but as parents we learn the hard way that quiet, grown-up time is difficult to come by. The book is an honest (and hilarious) tale of bedtime battles from a frustrated, if profane, parent's perspective. This is not to be read to children, adult amusement only! For those of you who haven't heard about the book or listened to the Samuel Jackson narrated version on YouTube, I've embedded the clip below. I think my favorite line is "Hell no you can't go to the bathroom. You know where you can go?..."




I saw the Nightline segment about Mansbach's work on the heels of a chat about bedtime and the practice of letting infants as young as 6 weeks cry it out in the wee hours of the night. I have a 7 week old baby, consequently sleep is elusive. My 4 year old has an established bedtime which he misses at least 3 times a week. Folks often ask if my bay girl is sleeping through the night yet, and if we let her "cry it out"? She's doing pretty well, sleeping about 5 hours straight, and nope no "crying it out" in my house. I don't know how parents can stand continuous wailing at ungodly hours all in the name of teaching a baby to self soothe. I have a theory though, I don't think parents take this approach to teach an infant to be self sufficient (that notion is a little crazy in itself, it's oxymoronic). I also don't think parents impose strict bedtimes on toddlers solely in hopes of making sure they get 12-14 hours of rest. It boils down to parents needing just a few hours an evening for themselves, to do something alone - or for intimate time alone with their partner. No drooling, no whining or dirty diapers, I get it! We need our romantic comedy, our book club read, our occasional glass of red before bed. Wrangling tired, wound up kiddies does not make for a relaxing evening, especially when one has work in the AM. I'm not criticizing those that institute Ferber's method, or who stick to a rigid bath and bedtime schedule. I just want us as parents to be honest, to transcend political correctness, and like Mr. Adam Mansback, tell how it is. We are tired, by 9:00 PM zonked. We love you, but have had enough of parenting for the day. Mommy's got an important meeting in the morning; Daddy has a meeting in the bedroom with Mommy so...Please, go the f*@! to sleep!

I'm anti-Ferberization as a counselor and as a current stay at home Mom. Since I have no boss and no company time clock to punch, my greatest responsibility is to care for my children. That does not stop at 10:00 PM. I could not in good conscience ignore the piercing cry of my baby girl. Once she gets going, it's seriously heart wrenching. I get a headache if I cry for too long, can you imagine a cry headache at two months old? :-( So guess what? I go check on her when she let's out the littlest whimper. I feed her, change her, rock her. I do whatever I can think of that might make her feel calm and comfortable enough to fall asleep again. And you know what? She loves me for it. Hence the parent/child bond is secured. Baby has a need, Mommy supplies comfort. Baby believes the world is a safe place and her parents can be trusted, healthy development begins. Studies have shown that the degree to which a child attaches to their primary caregiver determines their level of sociability. Kids need "good enough" parenting for at least the first 18 months of life to turn out OK, and prayerfully not become antisocial psychopaths. What is good enough? If you respond to your child's needs at least 7 out of 10 times you're making the grade. I've also been professionally trained to think that an infant cannot be spoiled. How is it possible to give a baby, that you carried for nine months, TOO MUCH LOVE? Really?!?!?! I'm sure the day will come when I won't be the only shoulder for her sobs. She will have plenty of opportunity to soothe herself after disappointments that are an undeniable part of growing up. But for now it's my pleasure to sacrifice a little sleep and start my DVD later than planned while my little ones finally drift off to land of the Sandman.

Raising a Girl in a Post-Oprah Show World.

I'm not what you would call an ultimate fan. I've never set my DVR to catch Oprah's Favorite Things Show. I haven't kept a gratitude journal. I've not read all of the book club selections (though I did finish the Anna Karenina summer challenge, thank you very much!) But, I am committed to living my best life. Like most women, I've grown up a witness to Oprah's spectacular impact on the globe. Her authentic personality, sense of humor, spirituality and commitment to improving the world around her - all undeniable. She has helped guests feel comfortable enough to tell their deepest secrets on national television, in turn viewers realized they were not alone. She's shared the darkness of her own life, and taught us that where we're from does not dictate how far we will go.

Oprah is an example of achieving beyond limits, and using your life as an instrument in the betterment of others. Moreover, along with our mothers, sisters, friends, mentors, etc. Oprah has taught us how to live with purpose and passion. Often these lessons we've heard before. They serve as a reminder of the sayings of our grandmothers and other wise women. The principles from which Oprah has built her platform offer simple rules about following our instincts, being in the moment and recognizing our boundless potential.

Watching the final season I was overwhelmed by Oprah's achievements, the inspiration she has been for others, and the humility she shows while being touted as an icon at the end of an era. I thought about the peaks of my own life and how much more there is for me to do. What will my legacy be, and how should I measure the achievements I've made so far? At times I live in my head and get all existential. I feel like I have not done or seen enough. Despite the blessings in our lives - successful careers, fantastic families, etc., many women wonder if we've made our mark. We look over the fence and imagine the grass to be greener, while taking our own lush lawns for granted. Often "normal people" look at Oprah and the life she has led and think that their triumphs pale in comparison, that somehow their wins don't matter as much. I was moved as Oprah encouraged her audience, saying "You are enough." As we are, with all of our flaws and favors, we are enough. We all deserve the most opportunity, love and happiness that the world can offer. As long as we are living with love and looking beyond ourselves, our contribution to the world is great. Big or small, whether we open a school for African girls, raise our daughters with beauty and strength, or take time to mentor just one child in our community; what we do and how we give back is important. A small ripple and a big splash both effect the tide.

This sentiment ... the knowledge that she is enough, will stay firmly planted in my thoughts as I raise my daughter. I hope to teach her to expect the best for and from herself and that still, even when she makes mistakes, she will always be enough.

Favorite Oprahisms for my growing girl:

1. You are enough. "Your being alive makes worthiness of your birthright."

2. Listen to the whispers of your conscience before they turn into shouts.

3. Your thoughts have ultimate power. What you believe is what will be. When you know better, you do better.

4. Forgiveness is the most vital part of healing. It does not free the assailant from guilt, but frees you to move forward with your life.

5. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

6. Passion is power. "Everyone has a calling. Your real job in life is to find it"

7. Who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down?

8. Pay attention to your instincts, they will keep you safe in dangerous situations.

9. Education is the most valuable gift we can give to ourselves and others.

10. Every now and then all girls need to have an ugly cry.

My own Aha Moment of the Day...
It's a grounding experience to hold my daughter, a baby girl who looks so much like me, and realize I have the opportunity to teach her things I've learned throughout life. Hoping she gets the important things right and avoids my missteps. It's like looking back at your own infant face and imaging how you'd do it, if you had the chance to do it again.

"Dark Girls" Documentary Preview

New doc by Bill Duke coming soon. The subject matter is not new, but still very prevalent in our community. I've been forced to face these issues most recently since my little brown sugar girl was born. The comparisons between her complexion and her fair-skinned brother have led me to jump to her "defense". People checking her ear color, etc. Sad, as we're all beautiful no matter the hue.

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

Teamwork is crucial - Get it together!

When I began thinking through this post I was entering my 40th week of pregnancy. On maternity leave, counting down the days until my baby would arrive... and feeling like a woman on borrowed time. During the first half of my second pregnancy I was a BUSY lady, doing perhaps a little too much. Finishing graduate school, practicum, working part time and planning a wedding. Needless to say when things slowed down and classes were complete, nuptials were exchanged, I felt entitled to chill. My husband shared this sentiment and he became even more of a supportive partner than usual. He's already a really involved Dad, but he went above and beyond with our son as my belly expanded. Breakfast? Done. Dinner dishes? Done. Cars cleaned and gassed up? Done. Laundry, cleaning, you name it? Done. It was amazing. I remember mentioning this Superman syndrome to a girlfriend and wondering if this attitude was pregnancy inspired or part of our "Honeymoon period". I wasn't trying to "milk it" but the perks were goooood!

As my induction date approached I worried that my right hand man might be less hands on when the baby arrives. Now our daughter is 3 weeks old and my worries were for naught. Hubs continues to be as involved with both of our children and the operation of our household. As he's explained to me his actions during pregnancy were an act of partnership - not a short term exercise of obligation. He was simply picking up the slack as needed, something that we have done for one another throughout the course of our relationship. This got me thinking about how important partnership is in relationships, especially when children arrive to turn a couple into a family.

Give and take, sharing the load - we'd think that these ideals are standard within committed relationships. However some couples are polarized by their gender roles, or operate as separate but equal as they manage distinct domains. Nothing will make parenting harder than adhering to that mentality. In successful, well functioning families there is one page, and Mommy and Daddy better both be on it. I suggest first time parents take this to heart. Surely expectant fathers are quick to dote on their honeys during maternity. It is important that men realize that continued care and support will be just as critical post-partum. Just because baby is born doesn't mean Mom will be immediately back to "normal". In fact from that point on there is a "new normal". Hormones are still fluctuating, sleep is evasive, priorities shift, schedules change and baby rules the roost for quite some time. Moms and Dads must work together to rethink how life will best be managed by them as a team - a unit committed to collective success.

Moms have to watch their moods and attitudes, though being a little grumpy is to be expected. A lack of sleep and the "baby blues" can be a bad mix which leads you to take your spouse (and other helpers) for granted. As they vacillate from feeling euphoric to underwhelmed or overwhelmed, at times new Moms may be unable to appreciate what a magical time this is for your growing family. Dads need TLC too. At times it may be hard for them to compete with baby for Mommy's attention. They're less funny, charming and adorable with an infant in the room. They may feel as if they can't do enough, or compare themselves to their super spouses who juggle it all with ease.

The long and short of it is simply this, GET IT TOGETHER. Take the advice of friends and extended family to heart, but spend time alone figuring out what works for your partnership. Don't let your notions of gender roles and rules hinder your ability to work together. By building your solidarity you will find the toughest parenting patches easier to traverse. You will undoubtedly be less exhausted, and you just might find more time to spend together doing grown up stuff. This solidarity will be on display for your children and will give them their first cues about coupling. The habits you exhibit will equip them for healthy personal relationships in the future.